Lessons learned over a glass of wine.

I'm sitting here tonight, enjoying a glass of wine, and contemplating the lessons learned in my first attempt at mommyhood. It has been very eye-opening, to say the least. So, here's what I learned:

• It is possible to have all of the early symptoms of pregnancy even if you aren't pregnant. It's called stress.


• I am not capable of waiting patiently to find out if it took. I would test a couple times a day if I could afford the tests. (As if the process weren't expensive enough.) I need to plan a lot of stuff to keep me busy during the 2 week wait.


• The hormones they put you on will make you a little crazy - probably because they make your cycle longer, thus prolonging the suspense. (Would have been nice for my Dr. to warn me)


• I am SO over the strangeness of the whole anonymous donor issue. Truly, the least of my problems.


• The second time will be easier - unless of course, it works - in which case, it will never be easier than it is now.


• I have got to RELAX.

So, I get a couple of days to enjoy a bottle of wine. Then, it's back on the Clomid, back to the RE, back to the sperm bank, etc. I'm hoping that a more serene approach will bring better results. I mean, would you rather spend nine months in a room with candlelight and Enya or red lights and speed/death metal coming from the sound system? Feel free to remind me of that if you see me and I seem like a ball of stress. I may be a Buddhist but I'm not the Buddha.

Does a shadow of a line count? Probably not.

I am highly doubting that donor made 2 this month. I'll have a recap of "lessons learned" from the first month later. But for now, I think it is safe to say we've got a BFN. That is a big fat negative in the ttc (trying to conceive) world.

More later.....

New term alert! 2ww - or 'Hell' as I like to call it.

So, I am approaching the two week point since d-day. The Single Mothers by Choice (SMC) have a name for this time period. They call it 2ww. I think of it as hell. Going into this, I thought I will just have the IUI and then I'll just try to forget about it for 2 weeks. Riiiiggghhhtt. This is the woman who regularly visits www.spoilerfix.com because I can't wait a week to find out what will happen on LOST.

I've spent the last 2 weeks jumping at every twinge, cramp, and ache. I have taken 2 pregnancy tests - even though I KNEW it was too early for anything to register. I have read all the early symptoms and could swear, on any given day, that I have experienced 80% of them - even if I haven't. I mean, I FEEL different but it could very easily be the stress of wondering if it took. I mean, stress can make you feel exhausted and nauseous and cranky.

Now that the HPT might actually show an accurate result, I'm almost too afraid to take it.
WTH???!!!!! Yes, HELL.

Well THAT was interesting.

I know it has been a week since d-day. But it's taken me that long to process the whole thing. It's actually even weirder than one might think. It didn't help that we left the house before dawn (thank Buddha for my mom who drove!). I had to go to a doctor 2 hours away since my RE was on vacation. So, we got there in plenty of time. They thawed out the dd while we went and got some horrible powdered eggs and bacon (as if I didn't already feel like throwing up.)

Now, I had resigned myself to the idea that a man would be performing the procedure. Not thrilled - but resigned. See my post entitled "I'm not a lightbulb joke." So, I'm sitting there with my little sheet (ladies, I'm sure you understand), waiting and waiting and wondering if this is the worst idea I've ever had, and hoping that the donor isn't some secret serial killer, and realizing that I hadn't shaved my legs in a couple of days. Seriously, they should never leave a woman alone in the stirrup room for more than 2 minutes.

Then the door opened and in walked 2 women. The younger one said, "Hi, I'm Dr. aedfjwpoafie. I should remember her name, but I don't. I was just so relieved she was going to possibly knock me up! She held up a vial that couldn't possibly cost $500 even though it did. Really - that tiny vial? For $500? She assured me it was very concentrated - kinda like they do with orange juice, I guess.

Anyway, after that, there was 5 minutes of procedure, 15 minutes of laying still, and then 2 more hours driving home and freaking out on occasion. Again, thank Buddha for my mom who drove! I think there is some instinctual part of me that wanted my eggs to yell, "Stranger danger!" at those swimmers and run away. I mean really, I don't know this person. And now I've got his sperm hunting down my eggs. And I PAID for it!

Well, I'm sure you can see why it took me a week to write this. I've had time to distance myself from the idea of foreign invaders. I'm looking for appropriate analogies to use. Adding water to a chia pet........not quite right, but close. Adding the activator to hair color to make it work........ a little better (if not as literal).

So now I'm off to get another blood test. FUN!!!!

Well, it seems everything is a go for Saturday!

My follicles are getting bigger.
The swimmers are ordered and on their way.
I've got my appointment set up with my doctor.

Now all I have to do is give myself a big shot. Yeah..... It shouldn't be a big deal. I mean, I give my cat a shot twice a day. Of course, her needles are much smaller. And I just put some food in front of her and give them to her in the scruff of her neck. But I don't have a scruff and I couldn't reach it even if I had one. So, I don't know how this is going to go. Food seems to distract Janie. Maybe if I put a bowl of chocolate ice cream in front of me, I won't notice. It can't hurt........

Free to a good home?

Thanks for all the good thoughts!!!!!!

I found out today that I have 4 follicles. 4, four, quatre, quatro, I wish I knew 4 in a few more languages, Holycrapfortheloveofpete 4! That is 4 little bubbles - each holding one egg that, if fertilized, could become a kid!!!!! That's like having a litter of puppies!!!!! So, I'm lining up folks who want an extra kid! Any takers?

Kidding aside, they need a couple extra days to get big and fat before they'll subject them to the onslaught of swimmers. So, I go back on Thursday for another ultra-sound and the plan is to thaw out DD (daddy donor) on Saturday. Actually, I've named him Finn. More on him tomorrow.

I am trying to reassure myself that a couple of the follicles still won't be big enough to be viable by Saturday. Still, 2 should be of the appropriate size. Also, the ultrasound technician assured me that the chances of twins is only about 5%. Come on 95%!!!!!! PLEASE 95%!!!!!!!!

Speaking of the lab technician, would any of you find it strange if someone was doing an internal ultrasound on you and they said, "I can't find your right ovary."? I felt like saying, "Well if you can't find it, I'm sure I don't know what happened to it. I don't think I left it anywhere." It just struck me as odd. Anyway, my left one seems to be doing most of the work. I'm hoping that is a sign that I'm going to have lefty-liberals for kids. Dad says he doesn't believe there is a correlation. But I'm a believer in nature over nurture in many things.

The roller coaster car is getting closer to the top of the hill......

First, I'd like to thank everyone for sending me such great support since my last post. It has been such a great help to me.

Since then, things have continued along in the preggers process.

I finally picked a donor - even though he was not one of the ones that went through the "friend screening process". More on him later.

I've got all of my paperwork in to the sperm bank. You've got to sign all kinds of stuff - I guess they want to be sure you can't sue them later if you give birth to the spawn of Satan or something.

I've been on meds for the past week so my dusty old egg might actually work.

I go to the doctor tomorrow for an ultrasound to look at that egg and see if it's big enough for a swimmer to actually find it.

If it is, then I give myself a shot sometime tomorrow or Wed. and then go try to get knocked up on Thursday! More on this later as well.

Keep your fingers crossed for me this week! I'll be writing more on all this in the next few days.